A Fungus Among Us Read online

  BROWN:

  You’re not going to get away with this. The Sheriff knows. The CDC knows. You’re a marked man. They’ll find you and they’ll stop you.

  HANSEN:

  Ah yes. You make a good point. And that’s where you come in. I need you to help me. As soon as you’re infected, you’ll do just as I tell you. I’m going to command you to spread our friendly fungus far and wide. You will spread the dust into the ventilation shafts at the airport. You see, a detective has a badge. As an officer of the law, you will be trusted. You’ll have total access to the entire airport. All you will need to do then is find the intake for the airport ventilation shafts and sit down. Sit down and die. The rest will be taken care of once our friendly snake emerges from your brain. The cyst will burst and spread the dust into the ventilation shafts. Soon, thousands of people in the airport will be infected by millions of microscopic spores. And then they will head to their airplanes. Planes taking them far and wide all over the world. Ah yes! You know, a few thousand people sneezing may be an annoyance, but not enough to keep them off a plane.

  BROWN:

  You are “certifiable” man. There’s no way you’re getting any help from me.

  MUSIC:

  OMINOUS FUNGUS THEME MUSIC

  BRADLEY:

  You must…obey. You too will…join us.

  HANSEN:

  Ah ha. I see our friend Officer Bradley is awake now. So nice of you to join the conversation.

  BROWN:

  You did this to him?

  HANSEN:

  Oh yes, of course. While he was tied up before and unconscious, a small spray of my spore-dust into the nostrils was all that was necessary. Your friend Angela seems to have infected herself with a simple breath when she was doing her little crime lab experiments. Quite nice of her to be so cooperative. She walked Mister Bradley right into my little incubator. Oh, I’m sorry. I think you and your friends referred to it as my “bunker.”

  BRADLEY:

  You too…will join us.

  HANSEN:

  Now, if you’ll excuse me Detective Brown. I’m going to take a short nap on a soft bed of mold in the swamp. But rest assured. I will be back very soon, and we can discuss you’re upcoming “road-trip” to the airport.

  BROWN:

  You’re not gonna get away with this Hansen! I’m gonna track you down!

  SFX:

  CAR DOOR OPENS

  HANSEN:

  Have a nice evening Detective. I’ll see you in the morning after my spores have made you a little more…agreeable.

  SFX:

  CAR DOOR CLOSES

  BROWN:

  I’ll be here Hansen! And I’ll be ready for you!.

  …Bradley? Bradley! Listen to me. We can still help you. Give me the key to your handcuffs..

  The handcuffs Bradley. Get them off of me.

  BRADLEY:

  I must..obey.

  MUSIC:

  OMINOUS FUNGUS THEME MUSIC QUICKENS IN TEMPO

  BROWN:

  Bradley! I cut the ropes, remember?! Remember when you were tied to the chair?! I cut you loose man! Give me the key!

  MUSIC:

  FUNGUS MUSIC IN:

  BRADLEY:

  You cannot…defeat…us…Ahhhh! Ahh! Arghh!

  SFX:

  SOUND OF SKULL SPLITTING OPEN AND SQUISHY, JUICY CRACKLING

  BROWN:

  Let me outta here! Let me the hell out of here!!

  SFX:

  SOUNDS OF THE SWAMP AND THE MUFFLED SCREAMS OF BROWN INSIDE THE CAR. THE MUFFLED SCREAMS SLOWLY FADE AWAY TO JUST THE SOUNDS OF THE SWAMP.

  MALCOLM:

  It looks like our Dreadtime Story has a happy ending after all. Assuming of course that you’re a fungus that prefers the dark, damp comfort of warm, soft slime. It’s a slippery trip and we’re all about to take it. So fasten your seat belts, put your tray tables and seat backs in the upright and locked position and get ready for takeoff. It may just be the last trip… any of us ever take.

  SFX:

  SKULL CRACKING AND JUICY, SQUISHY CRACKLING GROWS LOUDER AND LOUDER AND ABRUPTLY CUTS OUT.

  MUSIC:

  STING. THEN INTO FANGORIA THEME

  ANNCR:

  “A Fungus Among Us,” with Malcolm McDowell as your your narrator, was written for Dreadtime Stories by Steve Nubie. Heard in the cast were: