A Fungus Among Us Read online

  It helps me with my experiments. I grow molds and fungus in these terrariums you see along the walls.

  ANGELA:

  SNEEZES

  HANSEN:

  Gezundheit. Sorry about the smell. It’s a bit like mildew in a basement. You get used to it after a while, although some people are allergic.

  ANGELA:

  SNEEZES

  BROWN:

  You okay?

  ANGELA:

  I’m fine.

  BROWN:

  Professor Hansen. Zombie fungus? What’s that all about.

  HANSEN:

  The Cordyseps fungus affects ants around the world. Particularly in jungle areas. Spores exploding from other infected ants invades their body and ultimately their brain and their behavior suddenly changes.

  The spores are microscopic dust and burst from what can best be described as a cyst emerging from the infected ants. The newly infected ants leave their colony, act erratically, and curiously - seek out a place in the jungle where the fungus can survive and thrive after it has emerged from it’s skull. Emerged as a long, thin tube with a cyst at the end that contains millions of the dust-like spores in the shape and configuration identical to what you’re showing me in these pictures. Eventually the cyst explodes in a cloud of dust and spreads the fungus. Did you ever kick an old mushroom in the woods and see a small cloud of dust? A very effective, if not very primitive form of reproduction. Any insect in the vicinity, or most organic matter, will then become a most inviting host for further growth of the fungus. Assuming they are in close proximity to the dust.

  BROWN:

  So this thing is contagious?

  HANSEN:

  Well that’s the curious part. You see, people have been eating the Cordyseps fungus for more than 500 years now. It’s actually considered to be an herbal medicine. In fact, look, you can buy it on the Internet.

  SFX:

  COMPUTER KEYBOARD CLICKS

  BROWN:

  Okay, one of these people in the pictures killed a man. The victim was an acupuncturist who also specialized in herbal medicine.

  HANSEN:

  I’m sorry to hear about the death of a fellow herbal healer. But I have to tell you, there’s no way that ingesting the Cordyceps fungus sold as an herbal remedy would result in what you see in these pictures.

  BROWN:

  People actually eat this stuff?

  HANSEN:

  Oh yes. Many varieties of fungus have been proven to have very beneficial effects. Penicillin is probably the best example. You do know that Penicillin is derived from a fungus, don’t you?

  BROWN:

  I guess I never thought of it that way.

  ANGELA:

  SNEEZES

  BROWN:

  You want to wait outside?

  ANGELA:

  I’m sorry. I might have to. I’m sorry Professor.

  HANSEN:

  No, no. It’s my place to apologize. Maybe we should all move outside.

  BROWN:

  Suits me.

  SFX:

  WALKING OUT THE DOOR. OUTDOOR AMBIANCE: SWAMP

  BROWN:

  Okay. So if this isn’t a picture of the Zombie Fungus, what is it?

  HANSEN:

  Look, don’t get me wrong. While many species of fungus are beneficial and actually nutritious- mushrooms are a good example - it is true that some forms are deadly. The Death Angel Mushroom will kill you very quickly. Buddha died from eating a poisonous mushroom. The black mold that grows in basements release deadly spores that shut down your respiratory system.

  ANGELA:

  SNEEZES. That’s encouraging.

  HANSEN:

  Oh, you have nothing to fear. I know which forms are beneficial and which are deadly. You’re simply responding to an innocent allergic reaction.

  However, something as simple as a bread mold could also prove deadly. But here again, eating the mold is not the problem. Inhaling the mold, especially through your nostrils is what causes the problem.

  BROWN:

  You ever heard of a fungus affecting people’s ability to think or speak?

  HANSEN:

  Why of course. Many forms of mushrooms cause hallucinations. Peyote is the best example. It’s a powerful drug. Could this be a cult or a group having a… bad trip?

  BROWN:

  Yeah, that’s a good question. The thing is, these people are nothing like druggies. All of them appear to be straight arrows. No police record. No history of violence or criminal activity.

  HANSEN:

  You might want to check out the local grocery stores.

  Maybe someone is selling a bad batch of mushrooms.

  BROWN:

  That’s not a bad idea. But how would a bad batch of mushrooms cause their heads to crack open and sprout these snake like things out of their brains?

  HANSEN:

  That “snake-like” thing, as you refer to it, is commonly called a spore. It’s how a fungus reproduces itself. But I must tell you detective, there is no evidence that I am aware of where the cordyseps fungus has migrated from an invertebrate insect to a vertebrate animal like a human being.

  BROWN:

  So what do you call these pictures Professor?

  HANSEN:

  (SIGHS)…evidence.

  ANGELA:

  SNEEZES

  MALCOLM:

  Gesundheit. Maybe you should take something for that sneezing. Perhaps a herbal remedy? Then again, maybe we should think twice about what we eat, or drink or breathe for that matter. That’s right.

  It’s time to head back to the police station so hold your breath, and trust me. I’ll let you know when it’s safe to exhale.

  ANNCR:

  Fangoria’s Dreadtime Stories will Continue in a moment.

  ACT II

  ANNCR:

  Now back to Fangoria’s Dreadtime Stories, and “A Fungus Among Us.”

  SFX:

  POLICE SIRENS. SHOUTING. POLICE RADIO TRAFFIC.

  CAR DOORS OPEN/CLOSE.

  ANGELA:

  SNEEZES

  BROWN:

  It looks like all hell has broken loose. What’s going on?

  COP:

  We caught the guy who robbed the bank. He’s in the lockup. We also have a woman in custody. A librarian. She just tried to burn down the County Health Department.

  BROWN:

  We have to quarantine them!

  COP:

  Where? How?

  BROWN:

  (WALKING. BREATHLESS) Put them both in interrogation rooms for now. Duct tape the doors. We’ll interrogate them over the intercom. Get them in there now! Give them some water, lock them in and tape the doors! I’ll be right up!

  ANGELA:

  I just got a text message. They quarantined the crime lab.

  BROWN:

  Sounds like you got no place to go. Guess you’re stuck with us.

  ANGELA:

  SNEEZES. Works for me.

  SFX:

  DOOR OPENING TO LOUD INTERIOR OF POLICE STATION.

  BROWN:

  Let’s start with our bank robber. Where do we have him?

  COP:

  Interrogation one.

  SFX:

  FOOT STEPS. DOOR OPENS. DOOR CLOSES.

  BROWN:

  (TALKING THROUGH INTERCOM) Sir? Can you hear me?

  MAN:

  It hurts!!

  BROWN:

  What hurts? How can we help?

  MAN:

  I…I…there is no help…must find the place. Must spread the seed… All are to join us…join us. It is what he said.

  BROWN:

  You robbed a bank. A woman with you died. You both said you must get “him” the money. Who is “him?”

  MAN:

  He who commands us…ohhhhh… it hurts…why does he hurt us…?

  BROWN:

  What hurts, sir? Your head? Does it hurt?

  MUSIC:

  FUNGUS MUSIC IN:

 
MAN:

  Everything hurts…Must bring the money…the master commands it…Ahhhh… it hurts…

  BROWN:

  The master? Who is the master? Who commands it?

  MAN:

  Ahhhhh!!!…Ahhhh!!!…Argh…

  SFX:

  SKULL CRACKING OPEN SLOWLY LIKE A JUICY MELON.

  SFX:

  DOOR OPENS. FOOTSTEPS ENTERING AND GASPS.

  ANGELA:

  Oh my God. Not again.

  BROWN:

  This is starting to get real old real fast.

  COP 1:

  I take it we leave this guy in the room with the duct tape on the door.

  BROWN:

  Yeah I guess. I don’t think any of us should be going in there right now. What about the woman? The Librarian who tried to blow up the health department?

  COP 1:

  Interrogation two. She appears to be in a little bit better shape than this guy.

  SFX:

  CONTINUING SOUND OF CRACKING, JUICY SLITHERING

  BROWN:

  Anyone has to look better than this guy. Let’s see if she can tell us anything before she cracks her skull and sprouts a snake.

  SFX:

  DOOR CLOSES. WALKING. SOUNDS OF GENERAL CHAOS IN THE HALLWAYS. DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES. ROOM QUIET.

  BROWN:

  (INTERCOM CLICKS ON) Hello Ma’am. My name is Detective Brown. What’s your name please.

  WOMAN 2:

  You’re all…going…to…die.

  BROWN:

  We all know that ma’am. No one lives forever. Can you tell me why you tried to burn down a building in the County complex?

  WOMAN 2:

  He told me… I must. I must…obey. He told me….

  I must.

  ANGELA:

  SNEEZES

  WOMAN:

  SINISTER LAUGH

  BROWN:

  Ma’am. Who is he? Exactly.

  WOMAN:

  He is the one…who…leads us all. A new world… a new world order…He is wise.

  ANGELA:

  Is she referring to this fungus inside of her. I think she’s so confused she simply can’t understand what’s happening to her.

  WOMAN:

  What’s happening…will happen to all…he has foreseen it. He leads us all.

  BRADLEY:

  Is her head about to crack open.

  BROWN:

  I don’t think so. Not yet. She seems to be in the early stages.

  WOMAN:

  All…will join us…. All…will serve him.

  BROWN:

  Does he have a name?

  WOMAN:

  Yes.

  BROWN:

  Do you know his name?

  WOMAN:

  ..yes.

  BROWN:

  Can you tell us his name?

  WOMAN:

  …yes.

  ANGELA:

  For God’s sakes lady! What’s his name?!

  SNEEZES

  WOMAN:

  Ha, ha, ha! You will be…next my dear. You…will join us soon…

  BRADLEY:

  She’s starting to shake. It’s happening! Her skull’s about to crack open.

  BROWN:

  Ma’am. The name! His name! What is the name?

  MUSIC:

  FUNGUS MUSIC IN:

  WOMAN 2:

  Ahhhh!…No…. No!…ahhhhh!

  BROWN:

  The name. Ma’am! Who did this to you? We need a name.

  WOMAN 2:

  Arggh!!

  SFX:

  CRACKING AND JUICY RIPPING SOUND AS HEAD CRACKS OPEN AND LONG SPORE BEGINS TO EMERGE. FADE TO QUIET GURGLING.

  BRADLEY:

  They don’t last long. This stuff is happening all over the city. By the way, we just got a report in.

  That acupuncturist who got shot. He was selling this fungus you were talking about.

  BROWN:

  Is that where this all started.

  BRADLEY:

  Can’t say for sure. But that guy you met out in the swamp?

  BROWN:

  Hansen?

  BRADLEY:

  Yeah, it seems he and this acupuncturist didn’t exactly get along. We think they were connected somehow.

  ANGELA:

  Hansen? He’s connected to this?

  BROWN:

  I should have known something was up with that guy.

  But hey, look. This is all circumstantial right now. And we’ve got bigger problems. Officer Bradley. Take Angela with you and go pick up our professor. Angela knows the way. Ask him to come and if he refuses, cuff him and bring him here in custody. I think he owes us a few more answers.

  BRADLEY:

  Is this guy dangerous?

  ANGELA:

  He might be. Let me approach the place. He knows me. I’ll get him to come out… and then you can do whatever you have to do.

  SNEEZES

  I knew there was something creepy about that guy.

  BROWN:

  Any word from the CDC? Homeland Security? FEMA?

  Anybody?

  BRADLEY:

  Not yet. They’re all enroute but still MIA. Looks like we’re still on our own.

  BROWN:

  Okay. Go get our Professor Fungus. I’ll make sure no one goes into these interrogation rooms. In fact, the more I think about it. We all oughta just get outta here.

  ANGELA:

  I’ll vote for that. SNEEZES. C’mon. Let’s go get the mold man.

  MALCOLM:

  Ah! The plot thickens. Like a festering carbuncle the swamp awaits our arrival. But long before our good professor arrives we have a bit of a traffic jam in our small town. The County is in chaos and it’s mob rule at high noon.

  SFX:

  POLICE SIRENS. GUNSHOTS. GENERAL CHAOS. PEOPLE SHOUTING. CAR SQUEALS TO A HALT.

  BROWN:

  What’s happening?

  COP 3:

  It’s hard to say. Everyone’s shooting and most of us don’t know why. By the way. We found a connection between that dead acupuncturist and your professor. Turns out they were bitter rivals.

  Competitors selling those fungus pills. Sounds like your professor has cornered the market around here.

  BROWN:

  Yeah, I got a whole bunch of new questions for that guy. We’ve got some people picking him up.

  What’s going on with that crowd down the street.

  COP 3:

  They’re all under the influence of whatever this stuff is. Their strength is incredible and they’re not afraid of anything. We shoot ’em and they just fall down and their heads split open and those things come out. This situation is not improving.

  MUSIC:

  FUNGUS THEME IN:

  BROWN:

  I’ve noticed. Whoa! Lookout!

  MAN 3:

  Arghhh! You will…serve him… Ahhhh!.. Ahhhh!

  SFX:

  BODY FALLS TO THE GROUND. HEAD CRACK SOUND AND JUICY RIPPING APART HAPPENS AGAIN.

  BROWN:

  This situation is definitely not improving.

  Here’s come a whole mob of them. They’re carrying machetes and clubs.

  SFX:

  GUNSHOTS. SCREAMS. CHAOS

  BROWN:

  They just keep coming!

  COP 3:

  You carryin’ a weapon?!

  BROWN:

  Yeah!

  COP 3:

  You might want to start using it!

  SFX:

  MORE GUNSHOTS. SCREAMS. CHAOS. SQUEAL OF MORE TIRES

  COP 3:

  We’ve got some backup now! Keep firing.

  SFX:

  NUMBER AND FREQUENCY OF SHOOTING INCREASES AS MORE COPS BEGIN SHOOTING. SCREAMING AND MOANING. SHOTS DIMINISH AND STOP

  BROWN:

  Cease fire. I think that’s all of them.

  COP 3:

  What the hell is going on?!

  MUSIC:

  FUNGUS MUSIC INCREASES IN TEMPO

  BROWN:r />
  No one knows. Except maybe one guy and we’ll be talking to him soon. Keep all the officers back. We need to…

  SFX:

  NUMEROUS HEADS CRACKING OPEN AND SLIMY SOUNDS GROWING. SOUNDS OF COPS STEPPING BACK AND GASPING

  COP 3:

  This is totally messed up!

  BROWN:

  I don’t know how we can maintain a quarantine anymore. We’re going to have to evacuate the entire area.

  COP 3:

  And how do we tell who’s normal and who’s infected?

  BROWN:

  If they can speak in a complete sentence they get the benefit of the doubt. Otherwise, cuff ’em and run. Let’s get all of the officers back to the precinct. I want to have a few words with this Hansen character.